Day one and counting

Another nightmare, and very little sleep.

I feel I should explain some of the things in regards to why I am doing this.


My life is filled with hate, this is no ones fault but my own really, but I do honestly hate most things and people, I feel when it comes to the English it isn't hard to hate them and the rest of the world does agree with that, English travellers are the ones every country hates to see arrive.

My mother is the same way, she had bragged about the fact she is proud of how she, these are her words "beat the shit out of me when I was little", she used to do it all the time, she is a hateful woman, if at all possible to cause harm or human misery she will find away.

Her response to anything is, "Why the fuck should I?"

I once asked her to be happy for me when I was with a woman I really loved, that was her response.

My father just takes it, he still works because it gets him out of the house, he is in his mid/late 70s, as is my mother.

I can not blame my mother, she is the way she is and always has been, no Doctor has ever picked up on her mental problem, she does have a problem I have made tapes which I have provided to Doctors who all think she is, but meeting her to talk to her about it would only draw violence, and this everyone wants to avoid.

I know I can never meet anyone or have any form of meaningful relationship because of how I feel, it does not take long for me to become filled with hate for something or someone, and anyone who wants to be around me will not put up with this, and honestly I would not ask anyone to put up with it.

The way that I am, and have been treated means I tend to meet or have relationships with people who are exactly the same as my mother, thus the nightmares, these are about a woman I was with 10 years ago, and just the thought of her scares me to death, she was worse than my mother, I have no idea why, but I was played, and because I am passive and want to help, when I hear a story I step up, I can help you, even when I cannot, and thus I am trapped.

Since then I have met one other women who had serious mental problems as well, these where known and she was on pills, but she stopped taking her meds, and we all know what that means, still that I can not regret I guess, if I made her feel good enough that she thought she could deal with the world, but sadly she couldn't.

I am truly set upon this idea now, I had thought about suicide years ago, I know the spot, the place I want to be, I could go there and I know no one would be around, and it would be peaceful.

My mind set, I just have to struggle through another year. Day one down...